I don’t like MUni.

Happy new year my brothers! Hope your gulliver is not still throbbing and sore. Drink wisely, I always say!

So, I’ve been thinking about this whole so called “Muni” thing. I’ve thought about it and thought about it. and here’s what I think. I don’t like Muni. Now don’t get me wrong my brothers, I love the act of Mountain/Off Road Unicycling. I just Hate the word. It’s ridiculous. Here’s why: MTB is generally thought of as representing mountain biking, no? So why isn’t Mountain unicycling known as MTU? This term could effectively and delightfully abolish the silly Muni word. Bike. there’s another funny word. shouldn’t we call unicycles unikes? why, oh why is Jack a nickname for John?? well, that’s the way it works, I guess. If something is used long enough and becomes embedded in the general lexicon. It becomes valid. this hurts. unfortunately, since Dummya W Dummya spent so much of our wasted time in public view, we may very soon see in Websters (remember dictionaries?) the follow in entry: Nuclear. n. New-kyoo-lar….......

oh lord. say it ain’t so.

stop with the muni already.

MUNI is a bus. Pay your fare and keep your hands to yourself.

-Love,Doper

nEveR SuPpRess youR Taint!

A column

3/23/11

Been thinking about some stuff lately. I’ve even been seeing some things. also too in addition, I’ve been feeling. feeling something squishy. I will now remove my hand from the guacamole.

Seems like unicycling has died in portland. when was the wake? I got no hot dish. zero hot dish. where’s my hot dish?

8/19/10

Shop Til You Drop/ UPWCMMX

Oh, MY brothers, your long suffering narrator has simply the most choodenessny news for you:

ready?

Have you ever been stymied by a newbie who asks “say, where can I git one o them there unicycles in town?” Well, my brothers, you need not be stymied anymore!

A Better Cycle has officially become our most favorite bike shop in the whole damn universe!!!! why? good question. Here’s the answer: A Better Cycle is an official Unicycle.com dealer. How’s that song go….? Oh yes, “AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!”

Oh, my Brothers, can you see it? A local shop that will order stuff from the interwebs. glory be thy name! Ok now, let’s not fuck this up. yes? There is a $300 minimum order, so we’ll have to pool our orders and be patient. TimTim (at A Better Cycle) says that a politely worded email regarding our intentions to order might suffice. Also, feel free to go to the shop with your american money bills and order something directly. Be patient. Don’t be a dick. Also wouldn’t hurt to email the shop and tell them how much you love them, no?

Oh Glory! We are saved!

UPWCMMX

Love,

Doper

4/2/10

Pristine

Oh, my Brothers! Your long suffering Narrator is simply Bolnoy to Viddy that he has not punctuated your Gulliver with a story in many many many weeks. I offer you a sincere Appy Polly Loggy and hope you don’t Tolchock me in my Yarbles. To wit; a story:

It’s a sad story I’m about to tell you. I also swear great fucking loads. Hoo Boy! Look away. Please do me the favor of forgetting anything I have ever said about good news regarding pristine singletrack in our lovely lovely pristine Forest Park. All of the promises made by the pristine Forest Park Off-Road Cycling Advisory Committee regarding getting off road cyclists into forest park by this summer are one or more of the following: crap! Garbage! Lies! bullshit! You see, some time ago it was discovered that someone had built an illicit trail deep into the pristine recesses of our beloved FP. Yes, or is it No- and shit howdy did those guys in the video seem to have the collective IQ of 6, maybe 7?, the trail should not have been built. But Holy crap, have the assholes from the FPORCAC who were never ever ever ever going to let MTN (Notice how I didn’t say MBIC?)bikers into FP show their Hands? The word from an unnamed source is that the future of pristine singletrack in pristine forest park is “abysmal”.. FUCK YOU, FPORCAC, FOREST PARK IS NOT PRISTINE!!! It’s a damn nice place. An Island of nature in a medium sized city. But Pristine? Please! Here’s a thought experiment to help you deal with this issue: If 20,000 OFF LEASH dogs are murdered in a forest and no one is there to hear their people’s pitiful wails of grief and disbelief, were they actually skinned, stuffed, fitted with artificial skeletons, given marbles for eyes, and sold as footstools at saturday market?

And while we are on the subject of “Fuck You”......Hey Jugglies, please stay completely out of my life. Do not threaten my friends and cobastards with any of your bullshit ultimatums. Please crawl back into your holes and keep to yourselves. Don’t waste your energy on me or mine. You will be alot happier. Ahhhhhhhh! Happiness!

By the way….....I shaved My beard today

Love, Doper

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