THESE ONE WHEELED DEATH TRAPS WILL RUN OVER YOUR BABY!! > Doper Articles > Bastards Defined

7/03/07

Scooter Libby is NOT a bastard

OK folks, I’m ready to address this very important issue. There has been some contact with the outside world lately. Almost every person I talk to doesn’t seem to get who/what a “bastard” is. Well I’m here to tell you. Or at the very least, confuse you even more.

BASTARDS DEFINED

What Bastards do:
  1. Bastards Ride Unicycles
  2. Bastards Drink Beer
  3. Bastards Have Fun
  4. Bastards Compete
  5. Bastards Looooove peer pressure
  6. Bastards Enjoy Meeting New Bastards
  7. Bastards Enjoy New Challenges
  8. Bastards (mostly)Remember Iran-Contra
What Bastards Don’t Do:
  1. Bastards Don’t Perform
  2. Bastards Don’t Perform
  3. Bastards Don’t Perform
  4. Bastards Don’t Perform
  5. Bastards Don’t Perform
Who Bastards Are:
  1. Bastards Have Mortgages
  2. Bastards Have (ex)Spouses
  3. Bastards Have Lives outside of Bastardom
  4. Bastards Are Watching you
  5. Bastards Are Niether Boring nor Predictable
  6. Bastards Have Pre-existing Medical Conditions
  7. Bastards Are Tittilated By Taint Waxing
  8. Bastards Are More Glorious Than The Sparkliest of Sparkly-Underpants
  9. Bastards Cannot be Defined by Some Random Dumbass Drinking Pinot Grigio from a Box and Writing an Obscure Column For Unicyclers.
  10. Bastards Follow the Teachings of Marx, Groucho Marx.

I hope this helps. As always, the preceeding comments were made by a biased and judgemental individual. If you disagree, please address your comments to Dick or Gilby or Harper

Oh I almost forgot: Dick Cheney IS a Bastard, except he’s a whole other kind.

-Doper

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