Home of Portland's premier Unicycle Gang: the Unicycle Bastards > Articles > I is a big girl now (Or, How NOT to Learn to Ride a Unicycle)!
So guess what guess what guesswhat?!?Lapis the Great and Wonderful has finally managed to hit a ball with a mallet while riding a unicycle. And perhaps even to Not Fall Off while doing it.
In commemoration, here's a guide, How NOT to Learn to Ride a Unicycle.
- Never ever ever (ever ever!) go near a unicycle, not even with a Ten Foot Pole.
- Avoid protective gear at all costs. Helmets look dorky anyway.
- Don't wear gloves.
- Always stay in wide-open spaces with uneven ground. You'll see any rampaging unicycles much easier this way, and it's much more difficult for them to persuade you to attempt on rough terrain (if you're a scaredy-cat like me, anyway).
- Don't practice.
- Don't attempt to multi-task if you're ever on a uni. Save polo, playing musical instruments and eating ice cream (mmmmmm, choco tacos) for when you've got both feet firmly on the ground.
- Wear smooth-soled shoes without heels. Worn-out converse are good. Ballet slippers or those funny shoes they use for Irish step-dancing are even better.
- Never watch any person unicycling. Not even on the internet.
- And if you do, don't talk to them. Ask no questions, keep your eyes on the ground.
- And if you are ever are approached by a strange unicycle in the dead of night, drop everything and RUN!!!!
I hope you have found these tips on How NOT to Learn to Ride a Unicycle Helpful. And don't blame me when they take over. I tried.
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