Home of Portland's premier Unicycle Gang: the Unicycle Bastards > Articles > Bastards Take on Ben Hurt III
In case you were unaware, this Saturday, Feb 14 the Bastards were invited to take part in one of the best post-apocalyptic challenges of the year. What’s that you say? When was the apocalypse? Where have you been the last 8 years? But I digress. With little time to plan and little resources left after the great economic decline, the Bastards set out to build their chariot.
They pooled their resources and knowledge and created a truly unique, if not bad ass chariot ready to take on the rest of the PDX thugs. Four horsemen pulled one angry nipple around. Fur and face paint took it over the top.
The chariot race started out at Laurelhurst Park. The horse bar was so wide that it precluded passing by other teams . . . a benefit for sure, but alas . . . the Bastards did not prevail in the race, as others found ways around them or started ahead of them at the start line. Thanks to Joe for providing chase car(bike)updates during the race . . . “utility vehicle ahead” and “another team overtaking you on the left!” It was a great help. Nipple’s quick thinking and dog sledder’s instincts got them out of the muddy grass much faster.
The chariot held out valiantly against the other teams for about 5-6 minutes or so. Then, it suffered a sideways impact that:
1. Badly taco’d one chariot wheel
2. Popped Gunt’s tire
3. Tore off Nipple’s helmet and glasses, pulverized his glasses
4. Bent Max’s thumb back at an unnatural angle.
The four horses went on to wreak more havoc in the battlefield, including one almost successful attempt to overturn the PedalPhile’s rolling fortress. In the end, a lot was learned about chariot design that can only be gleaned from trial and error.
“Next year, Bastards, we are gonna bring it on!!” Max Taint
“I still can’t stop smiling and asking myself, “Was that for real?” MJ
“Big props to Joe for showing up to support the Bastards and running chariot support as I towed the heavy beeotch all around PDX.” MJ
“The Bastards had a stellar performance using brains and wits to navigate the chariot around Laurelhurst Park.” Racer Joe
“We did not come in last.” Nipple
“Epic madness!” MJ
“we Totally won!” Doper
JRyde (of Seattle) sez: “Oh, and before i forget, thank you to the uni-bastards for crushing my ideas that their chariot would suck. when it was rolling their team was one of the best looking things on the battlefield (next to the hampster ball rolling…) nothing was quite as cool as all of that flying fur and four guys in a row pumping their legs like crazy! Sounds like a fetish…”
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