I Want Brakes, Dammit!

I’ve had it with all this downhill riding without the use of a mechanical brake.

I first noticed this on my first ride with bastards, on National Security Patrol,flushing insurgents from Washington Park. Riding a new 29’r for the first time ight, in the dark forest, there are plenty of cool downhill sections where I could hear the distinct squeal of the brakes of those ahead of me, then find myself atop my wheel, with my feet still on the pedals and my legs pumping far faster than I was physically able to keep up with, and disaster happens, UPD! Smack, POP, CRACK…luckily crashing into the shrubberies to break my fall,the sounds of squealing brakes becoming more distant.

On future rides I noticed a pattern developing… Soon after hearing the squealing brakes, I would find myself descending a trail at far more rapid pace than my brain could approve, a UPD would follow. It happened in a few areas in the poose, but It seemed brakes were always squealing at Siouxon.

I did go start to finish at the Dead Baby Downhill without brakes, and no UPD.

Will the ability to mechanically slow my forward progress help me to increase my overall progress on a trail? I think so, if I can use it to have fewer UPD’s, I will save valuable time in re-mounting.

Could brakes be the answer for locking up the tire and sliding down a steep trail?

I don’t know the answers, but I can’t wait to find out.

Posted by Bok Choi on Jan 17, 2009

Santacon; Or How I Broke My Wrist

At first thought I would have considered it a bad idea for a new recruit to the world of unicycling to drink heavily and unicycle. But on second thought, I like to drink and I like to unicycle.

So in November, after about 6 months of unicycling, I decided I was ready to drink heavily and unicycle. It just so happens that the 2008 Santacon for PDX was underway. I borrowed Marge from the Heckle House and headed out with the Bastards in my Santa Regalia.

I planned ahead and brought a liter flask of bourbon along for the trip. First stop, the park across the street to test my down hill ability on Marge on our way to the MAX station. Three drinks at this point in 1 hour,

There we connected with a few other Santas and started our trek to the first stop on the Santcon pub crawl under the Paul Bunion statue in North Portland.

In no time we were ridin’ our wheels from pub to pub. 5 drinks at this point. That was when I lost my balance coming off the curb into the street, and went down on the street. I must admit that it hurt at first as if I had ripped off my thumb. It is important to note that I began drinking in earnest to fight the pain. 8 drinks at this point.

The Santacon, for me, became a test of whether or not drinking affects the “balance” motor memory I had spent the last six months developing. 12 drinks by the last official stop at the Alibi. At this point, most of the patrons in the establishment were in full Santa dress. This lead to the 86ing of the Santas out onto the street.

At this point we were only a few blocks from the Heckle House and that where I was heading. Riding as much as I could, I made it to the couch. I spent the rest of the evening nursing my wrist and keeping the couch from spinning.

Conclusion: You can drink and Unicycle. The balance for riding is hard wired. Managing to ride in a straight line is not covered by the same muscle memory that helps you maintain balance on a unicycle.

Keep your balance.

Posted by Dizzy on Jan 17, 2009

Top 5 One-wheeled Modes of Transportation

5. The Motor Wheel

Advantages: Can run over just about anything

Disadvantages: Where does your date sit?

4. The Mono Wheel

Advantages: Easy to park

Disadvantages: Must be uncomfortable (did you see the look on that guy’s face?)

3. Electrical Uni

Advantages: No Gas

Disadvantages: Where do I plug it in?

2. EMBRIO

Advantages: Fast, Looks cool

Disadvantages: Can’t make it, Can’t buy it

1. Muni 29’er

Advantages: Good for killing zombies

Disadvantages: “Where’s your other Wheel?”

Custom Built Muni by Jon Sieber at Cascadia Bicycles

Posted by Monty on Jan 17, 2009

Unicycle Ninjas vs. Unicycle Zombies: Battle to the Deth (and yes, I meant to Spell It That Way)

Unicycle ninjas have shiriken.

Unicycle zombies eat brains.

Unicycle ninjas are silent.

Unicycle zombies say “arrrrugh.”

Unicycle ninjas are trained in the ancient martial art of ninjitsu.

Unicycle zombies were bitten by other zombies.

Unicycle ninjas will kill your ass before you finish reading this artic

Posted by Lauren on Jan 16, 2009

Unicycle Bastards - A Force Through the Ages

Any true historian will tell tales of the day in June of 2007 when the Unicycle Bastards invaded Portland. As is to be expected, the natives were unsure of their new champions. Their attire was odd; their customs, puzzling. Despite the cool welcome, the newcomers took it upon themselves to patrol the region in defense of unknown insurgents.

But within the year, their presence was celebrated when the insurgents arrived. Through great battles and significant losses, the zombie hordes were obliterated by the elite Bastards aided by the awesome power of their invisibility-cycles.

With all threats subdued, a great calm washed over the land. People went about their lives with a sense of security. To honor their saviors, extravagant contests were arranged. The most worthy of Bastards were persuaded to compete in challenges of speed, power and agility. Heroes arose and, regarding the communal sense of satisfaction, there was no end in sight.

Or so it had seemed...

Evidence has come to light, representing an upwelling among the masses. With any real consideration it would have been expected. Peace and prosperity is good, but no one -- not even the Unicycle Bastards -- can resist the temptation of 'more'.

And as is the nature of the world, just as this desire has arisen, so has an opportunity for ultimate fulfillment. The conquest ahead will far exceed the greatest undertaking yet witnessed by mankind. The time to prepare is limited. The risk of dishonor is extreme. But should victory ensue, the spoils will be endless.

The wise among us will get their affairs in order. In October of 2009, the Unicycle Bastards Take On the World!

Posted by jizz on Jan 16, 2009

The -First- Worst Day Of The Year Ride

The B*ds rolled upon Scappoose two cars deep. Northwest Oregon was suffering the melt off of what the news was calling the worst snowstorms in 40 years.

Once everyone had urinated, we were ready to ride. The trails were muddy and snowy. The farther we pushed in, the worse it got. Trees were blown down over the trail. The trail itself was a layer of snow, over a layer of ice, over a 6” deep stream of freezing runoff.

As the downed trees became thicker, eventually some resorted to an advanced form of traversing which was part scramble, part unicycle-shot-put.

The ice trail eventually turned back into mud, and made for some excellent downhill riding, however brief.

In short, as Gunt put “It sucked rain soaked frozen balls.”

Posted by Nipple on Jan 16, 2009

Unicycles and Internal Genitalia: Overcumming the "Balance"

Alright ladies, it’s time to catch up! There aren’t nearly as many unicyclists with internal genitalia as external and there’s no good reason why. If you’ve been spending your afternoons knitting and drinking tea you should try unicycling and drinking beer. Here are some reasons why to ride, how to ride and also how to hold your own among the boys.

Why!

• Women who actually engage in physical activity are totally hot.
• It’s fun and after a while your abs will look amazing.
• Instead of being “just another cute girl on a bike (as cute as it may be)”, you can be “the hot woman on the unicycle”. Or carrying a unicycle in my case.
• Riding with a group is a lot like joining a Dungeons & Dragons group, playing kickball, joining a band or the like. The guys will think you’re hot and help you with tons of it, the other women (if any) will appreciate your presence and think you’re hot as well. And won’t stare at your boobs so much.
• Lower center of gravity means an advantage here.
• Unicycles are cheaper than bicycles and also simpler to repair (and less dirty!)
• Search for “Kaori Matsuzawa” on YouTube.
• Add to your repertoire of stupid human tricks If you ever end up in a stupid human tricks battle, you can break out the unicycle and repeat half the things you’ve done already.
• A totally amazing Bob Guccioni soft-focus hot-ass girl squealing with glee over accomplishing something new is just so much cuter (and hotter, and smarter and overall more awesome, can I have your autograph please? Hail Mary, full of grace, AMEN) than a testosterone-poisoned broken-Y-ding-dong-osome’d loser doing the same thing.

How to!

• Talk to anyone you see riding a unicycle.
• Ask your friends.
• Be smart. Thankfully internal genitalia is not affected by unicycle seats. You have an advantage here, your brain’ll be SHARP!
• Wear a helmet. And gloves. Your nails might suffer for a while. Bearclaw recommends shinguards.
• If you don’t know any unicyclists but have seen one, write an I Saw U or something.
• Apparently walking up and down steep hills in heels will help a lot (tip provided by Donna Wood aka Agent Joke Star of the Derailleurs in SF). I haven’t tried that one yet.

How to hold your own!

• Be a smartass (and know your shit). Speak up and speak loud. And if you’re staying up on one wheel you can say ANYTHING and get away with it. Which doesn’t mean you should.
• Learn self-defense.
• Denim cutoffs and unicycles (or bicycles, for that matter) don’t mix. Thank me later.
• ...and when you really need it, flag down the ice cream truck and cling to the fence while slurping down a choco taco.

...and by the way, you might want to look at the page about external genitalia BEFORE they get in your pants.

Credits: Lauren wrote this thing, but Doper made the battle stance fiercer while MJ had technical input. No, nothing that belongs in bike porn.

Posted by Lauren on Jan 16, 2009

Unicycling and External Genitalia: What, me worry?

You will not find this on Unicyclist community.

You won’t get this from the unicycles for Christ bunch.

and unicycle.com definitely doesn’t want you to know the stark ugly truth about what unicycling does to your meat and two veg.

You will only get this truth from the Unicycle Bastards.

I’ve put together a medley of unicycle related emergency room injury photos, all come from the Unicycle Bastards MUNI”:/link to Dopers muni column”, Unicycle Polo and security patrol injuries. Brace yourself. . . it’s the straight-up truth, baby. . . . . .

Common among those new to unicycling, the first type of injury is a simple testicle hernia from a pile driver drop off of an autobody frame rack.

Several bastards have personally experienced the burn and discomfort from riding even a short distance on a Torker seat.

And the granddaddy of unicycle related taint and testicle injuries: Complete degradation of the skin of the scrotum following hitting a tree while on security patrol.

A wise Bastard once said, “You have to know where your testicles are at all times”. Wise words indeed. Happy trails

Posted by Max Taint on Jan 16, 2009