Home of Portland's premier Unicycle Gang: the Unicycle Bastards
BREAKING NEWS
6/03/09
UPWC09
2/14/09:
Ben Hurt III Chariot Wars – Love Hurts from Becket Lauten on Vimeo.
Unicycles and Internal Genitalia: Overcumming the “Balance”
Alright ladies, it’s time to catch up! There aren’t nearly as many unicyclists with internal genitalia as external and there’s no good reason why. If you’ve been spending your afternoons knitting and drinking tea you should try unicycling and drinking beer. Here are some reasons why to ride, how to ride and also how to hold your own among the boys.
Why!
- Women who actually engage in physical activity are totally hot.
- It’s fun and after a while your abs will look amazing.
- Instead of being “just another cute girl on a bike (as cute as it may be)”, you can be “the hot woman on the unicycle”. Or carrying a unicycle in my case.
- Riding with a group is a lot like joining a Dungeons & Dragons group, playing kickball, joining a band or the like. The guys will think you’re hot and help you with tons of it, the other women (if any) will appreciate your presence and think you’re hot as well. And won’t stare at your boobs so much.
- Lower center of gravity means an advantage here.
- Unicycles are cheaper than bicycles and also simpler to repair (and less dirty!)
- Search for “Kaori Matsuzawa” on YouTube.
- Add to your repertoire of stupid human tricks If you ever end up in a stupid human tricks battle, you can break out the unicycle and repeat half the things you’ve done already.
- A totally amazing Bob Guccioni soft-focus hot-ass girl squealing with glee over accomplishing something new is just so much cuter (and hotter, and smarter and overall more awesome, can I have your autograph please? Hail Mary, full of grace, AMEN) than a testosterone-poisoned broken-Y-ding-dong-osome’d loser doing the same thing.
How to!
- Talk to anyone you see riding a unicycle.
- Ask your friends.
- Be smart. Thankfully internal genitalia is not affected by unicycle seats. You have an advantage here, your brain’ll be SHARP!
- Wear a helmet. And gloves. Your nails might suffer for a while. Bearclaw recommends shinguards.
- If you don’t know any unicyclists but have seen one, write an I Saw U or something.
- Apparently walking up and down steep hills in heels will help a lot (tip provided by Donna Wood aka Agent Joke Star of the Derailleurs in SF). I haven’t tried that one yet.
How to hold your own!
- Be a smartass (and know your shit). Speak up and speak loud. And if you’re staying up on one wheel you can say ANYTHING and get away with it. Which doesn’t mean you should.
- Learn self-defense.
- Denim cutoffs and unicycles (or bicycles, for that matter) don’t mix. Thank me later.
- ...and when you really need it, flag down the ice cream truck and cling to the fence while slurping down a choco taco.
...and by the way, you might want to look at the page about external genitalia BEFORE they get in your pants.
Credits: Lauren wrote this thing, but Doper made the battle stance fiercer while MJ had technical input. No, nothing that belongs in bike porn.
POLO!
Yeah, I know, unicycle polo sounds as silly as synchronized swimming. But have you ever tried either? Terrific workout and terrifically (sic) good fun! Polo, I mean. I can’t stand using waterproof hairspray. Plus I do not look good in a one piece speedo. No siree-bob!
Where? When? 6:30pm @ Alberta Park Just about EVERY thursday of the month (Keep your Glazzies peeled on the listserve for info). Mallets and balls are supplied by the bastards as long as appropriate alcoholic donations continue. Bring yer Uni! Bring yer 2×2s ! Bring yer triple antibiotic ointment!
We need ski poles!
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Unicycle Bastards Kick Zombie Ass (the trailer)
Big news boys and girls! Big news indeed!
Have you heard?
The Bastards starred in their second Yoyodyne productions project this april!! Burk Webb, aka our Godfather, has created yet another delightful film involving, yes you guessed it, Us Truly. It debuted at the 2008 FILMED BY BIKE film festival in portland.
Go to our “gallery” section to see the video!
100 Mile Camel Toe.
